Dear Quarantine: I'M TIRED.

{You've signed on for a little bit of a rant... you've been warned!}

Dear Quarantine,

I get it.

Like many other people in the world, we have to isolate and keep our distance to help make sure we protect ourselves and others. I totally understand every reason we should isolate (and I agree!), but it doesn't change the fact that it's FLIPPING HARD.

While many aspects of our lives have changed dramatically, many of the regular problems we would face normally have not changed at all - they're still here, pestering us on top of the novel issues, and sometimes without our usual coping mechanisms to help get us through them.

While you may have been fun and all for the first few weeks, Quarantine, I just wanted to let you know...

I. AM. TIRED.

And I'm not just talking about physically tired, although being home entertaining three kids 24/7 is definitely exhausting. I'm talking about so much more than that.

Yes, I am RIDICULOUSLY grateful for my health, my safety, and the fact I'm home with my family. I don't have to be on the front lines or come into contact with those who are sick or dying from coronavirus. We're all scared and doing what we can to get through all of this that was thrown at us; but like most people, nine weeks of this has worn me thin.

Here, I give you just a few of the reasons that have been on my mind today.

I am tired...

... of having no space. I turn around, and there is always someone there. Any sense of 'personal space' I had before is completely gone. It's extra hard when you can't go anywhere to have that quiet time.

... of not seeing my family. Zoom chats and phone calls are great and all, but it's nowhere near the same as that physical connection with someone - touching or not. I miss having dinner, chatting in my inlaw's house, or having my parents watch the kids for a night. My mom is an essential worker, so we don't even try distant visits, which is SO hard because that's my freaking mom!

... of not being able to go on a date night. After having a baby in November, I was craving for time alone with my husband where we could go for dinner and a movie or something without child or baby in tow. This all happened as we were testing the waters for how long our infant could be away from us... and our 5 year wedding anniversary is this week.

... of no one being able to help with the kids. My husband is still working, so it's Mom until 5pm every day. Before, my inlaws or parents would come and watch my children during the day so I could see friends, clean the house, or whatever I needed to do that was easier kid-free. Even something as simple (normally) as doing laundry is impossible since no one can keep an eye on the baby or make sure my older two don't hurt themselves (or kill each other).

... of hearing the word "unprecedented." No shit, Sherlock. Obviously we haven't experienced this before, and I don't want to hear that in every single press conference or news article.

... of hearing "we're all in this together." I totally understand that this may help put some people at ease in this kind of situation, but I can't help but roll my eyes at this now. It's been, what, 8 weeks? If people don't get it now, they never will.

... of the whining, crying, bickering, and fighting. All the fighting! The kids are definitely becoming more irritable and showing so many signs of being worn thin with their new routines and lifestyle they were thrown into... and I don't blame them for that, but my fuse has never been so short (and THAT makes me feel extra shitty!).

... of the fear-mongering.

... of being scared and anxious during simple things.

... of not doing the activities that used to bring me joy.

... of my kids missing out on SO much! School, friends, family, swimming, library, play groups, soccer... and that's just off the tip of my tongue.

... of no one being able to see my baby grow and become a little person. (Her grandparents haven't been able to hold her FOR HALF OF HER LIFE. Let that sink in.)

... of feeling like every day is a struggle in one way or another.

... of feeling guilty when my days aren't semi-productive.

... of not being able to do everyday things.

... of the lines. I never realized how much I hate lines. No wonder it's impossible to keep children single-file down a school hallway... damn adults can't even do it at the LCBO.

... of being so tired all the time, but having my mind race from anxiety and stress so I cannot get to sleep before 1 a.m.

... of worrying. Am I homeschooling okay? Are the kiddos okay emotionally? Will my whole mat leave be a waste? What will September look like?

... of cooking. I never realized how much I don't care for my relationship with food. I'm so sick of trying to figuring out ideas for meals. (And don't even get me started on the DISHES from 2 adults and 2 kids for 3 meals a day plus snacks?!)

... of being told I'm one of the lucky ones. Trust me, I know and I am grateful! Yes, I was already on mat leave so I was home. Yes, my husband is able to work from home. Yes, everyone in my family so far is healthy and safe. But it doesn't mean the hard days are any less hard!

... of complaining. I know it's SO hard to believe at this rate, but I feel like I have so many more negative moments than I normally would. I'm not processing all the changes as well as I wish I was, but dammit I'm trying.

Now, I'm optimistic that things will slowly go back to "normal" (I know that's definitely not the right word to use, but what word DO I use now?) and we'll be able to go in stores again, not worry about hand sanitizer and masks every single outing, and the kids will go back to formal schooling.

Until then, I'm coping to the best of my abilities while trying to help three little humans cope with more than they know how to by themselves.

I'm hoping that it comes across that this crushing feeling of tiredness is only a 1% of the time thing, versus feeling appreciative for all that I do have the other 99% of the time! I'm just a real person with real feelings who wanted to share that not-so-pretty part of this collective experience, and I hope it allows some others to realize it is NORMAL to feel some kinda way and you're not alone in those daily struggles.

Let's do our part to be a part of the solution, and work towards a healthier and safer future (so we can all be healthy and enjoy our summer, dammit!)